Follow The White Rabbit

July 8, 2019 General Life, Self-work

In honor of yesterday’s holiday and it’s main animal, the bunny rabbit (you know if I can align my musings with the holidays I will, though this was not intentional)…

As a person who has a degree in English I often reference things: books, movies, poems, songs, etc. as supportive evidence of what I’m speaking about. Today’s reference comes from The Matrix, but I’m confident you don’t need to get the references to understand the whole post.

On following the white rabbit and things not looking the way you thought they would:

In talking with so many people lately I have learned I’m not alone in this. Sometimes the outcome of things just looks differently than you imagined.

This might be good or bad, but the key is that it’s different; we get painted a picture of what something will look like and we follow the yellow brick road to get to Oz. And then we “arrive” and Oz looks nothing like what anyone told us or like we thought it would. (Also, in case you didn’t know, we never “arrive”).

This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It’s just that information and ideals and perceptions can get misled when people don’t know what they don’t know.

I learned that phrase a few years ago and I love it because it applies to everyone in one way or another: you can’t know something you didn’t know. Because the information you didn’t know was beyond your scope or your spectrum, no one taught it to you and you had no frame of reference for it. It’s not your fault, or theirs, it’s just a fact. Then you wake up one day and see something you’ve never seen before (can be good or bad) and go OMG. I had no idea. And you couldn’t have seen it a single moment sooner even if all the arrows in the world were pointing at a sign that screamed it at you. You literally wouldn’t have been able to comprehend or understand or get it anyway, until that exact moment when you got right into alignment with it and then you could. And if you’re anything like me, once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Which means you have to move forward differently than you did before.

This is where the scary magical part happens and you have to decide: do I take the red pill, or the blue? Because once you’re out of the matrix and following the white rabbit, you literally cannot go back. And (dammit! Haha) at some point I took the red pill and couldn’t ignore all the things that were off about myself and my life. Like this is not working and I can’t pretend like it’s ok. At this point, pretending would be to crush me and my soul. OH! And I have to talk about soul crushing in the aftermath because I might be able to help other people even if I don’t know it, so I have to try.

For me, crushing my soul is worse than the potential pain of vulnerability. Specifically the vulnerability of saying the uncomfortable thing or doing something differently. And I know what the former feels like: choosing what appears to be safety at the expense of my soul. But when I did that, it was like slowly watching myself die inside a picture frame of a very happy person. Like my life looked amazing on the outside and on the inside I was drowning.

The hardest part was the honesty I had to have for myself. I had to be real about what was working, what wasn’t, and that I was gonna have to hurt people I really loved to choose myself and the life and dreams and adventures I wanted. And, let me be so clear, that was the HARDEST thing in the world for me. I had to learn to be ok even if people I loved didn’t understand me, or my choices, or were in pain or angered by them. So incredibly hard.

Bottom line: at some point, I chose to take the red pill, follow the white rabbit, and see the truth about who I was and how I was functioning inisde the matrix. It was not fun. But it got easier a little at a time, I navigated it the best I could, and today I’m getting better at owning me even if you don’t like me or don’t understand me.

Because for maybe the first time in my life, I simultaneously make sense to me AND I really like me. Like for real😊

But only because I chose to follow the white rabbit.✌🏻💜🐰

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